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Fic: Snape's Holiday

October 13th, 2006 (11:04 pm)

Title: Snape's Holiday
Author: Starwanderer
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor (Although Snape would disagree)
Summary: Snape is sent on a surprise mission to Egypt, where he meets a certain Weasley who reminds him distinctly of Sirius Black. Will Snape survive Dumbledore's orders?
Challenge: Written for the Immeritus 3rd Crossover Challenge, this fic is inspired by Glockgal's Bill/Severus (PG). No slash implied in fic.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and his world do not belong to me. The song lyrics used are not my property either.

Severus Snape stood at the banks of the Nile surveying the waters with cold, piercing eyes. His greasy black hair clung to his face from the sweltering heat, and a trickle of sweat rolled down his pale brow. The heat was so intense that the salty water evaporated in mid-air. He wondered why he was even there in the first place. It was a few weeks after his horrendous encounter with his nemesis, the escaped prisoner Sirius Black, and Dumbledore had sent him to Egypt on what he had called a “surprise mission.” Snape was to wait for Bill Weasley, who would give the details of the secret assignment.

Boom boom boom!

Snape quickly drew out his wand from his belt when he heard a horrific sound in the distance. His heart pounded against his thin chest as he searched the river for any sign of an intruder. The sound grew louder as it drew nearer and Snape saw a glimpse of something fiery red. A fire-breathing dragon in the desert? No, it was Bill Weasley in a boat playing loud rock music.

Baring a set of yellow and uneven teeth, Snape scowled fiercely at the radio blasting the muggle rock music. Black always liked that ridiculous music, he thought to himself. He scowled even more at Bill’s fang earring, long hair, and worn jeans. As if teaching two Weasleys wasn’t enough, I now have to spend Merlin knows how long with “Rocker Weasley.” He’s practically a red-haired, freckled version of Black! Snape though was careful to keep his sallow face expressionless when Bill stopped his boat at the bank. “Severus Snape,” he said with his silky voice. “I presume we should get on with the mission straight away.”

“The name’s Bill Weasley,” said Bill, friendly shaking his hand. Snape molded his mouth into his best impression of a smile. “No need to hurry -you just relax and I’ll explain everything in the boat.” Snape nodded and then swooped into the boat with Bill.

“By the way, you’ll want to take off that black cloak or you’ll have as many freckles as a Weasley from this sun!” said Bill, laughing before they started off. Snape hesitated to take off his cloak, but then decided that it was indeed best not to wear it in the overwhelming heat. He also didn’t think freckles would complement his skin color well.

“You know, the whole family came to
Egypt during the summer- they loved it,” said Bill. “That’s probably why Dumbledore thought to bring you here." Snape searched Bill’s face with his cold eyes like lumps of black coal. What did a Weasley holiday have to do with the situation at hand?

Bill noticed Snape’s questioning look and laughed good-naturedly again. “Right then, I guess I should explain your mission!” he said. “Your mission…” he stalled for suspense, his eyes twinkling. “Your mission is to sit back, relax, and enjoy this holiday that Dumbledore has planned. Do you think you can handle that?”

Snape blinked, taking Bill’s words in. Subtly he scanned the young man's face for any sign of mistruth. Merlin, the bloody freckled rocker isn’t joking!

“If I remember correctly, Dumbledore said you could use a little sun after your hard work in the dungeons every day,” said Bill. 

Dumbledore says I need a little sun?
Raising his right hand to protect his eyes from the relentless light, Snape looked up at the blazing sun directly above him. If Dumbledore was thinking of sun, he could have sent me to some isolated tropical island, where not a single soul would bother me. I’d be all alone. By myself. No one but me. Now THAT would be my idea of a good holiday!

The two continued sailing on the
Nile, talking about Bill’s work and the curses that protected the pyramids, although Bill was initiating most of the discussion. That is, until they began to discuss the ancient wizards’ history with the Dark Arts. 

“I heard you met up with my brother with Black and Harry in the Shrieking Shack!” said Bill, trying to strike up new conversation.

Snape sneered: “Potter has always thought that school rules don’t apply to someone as important and famous as him. He leads others into trouble and danger just like his father used to do.”

“That’s funny you should say that-my mum is always telling me how polite and well-behaved Harry is,” said Bill. Snape only half-listened to everything Molly Weasley had ever said about Harry. He’s doing this to torture me, I just know it. 

The sun was finally starting to go down, but Snape’s blood boiled. He shivered suddenly though at the thought of spending the rest of the day in the boat having to listen to the story of Harry’s famed life. Bill, thinking he was cold, draped a Persian rug over his shoulders. He then casually put an arm over Snape’s shoulder to show him one of the pyramids. Hands. Off. Now!

Fortunately Bill moved his arm shortly after to turn up the volume of the radio. “Ever heard of Bon Jovi?” he asked over the sound. “His music is awesome-definitely worth listening to!”

“No, I can’t say that I have,” replied Snape smoothly, withholding a hideous growl that threatened to escape from his throat. As the radio played "Wanted Dead or Alive," he remembered his encounter with Sirius in the Shrieking Shack. What I’d do to finally be able to capture stupid Black and send him back to the dementors once and for all! Snape’s coal eyes burned remembering how Black had got the best of him-with the help of Harry Potter, of course. Yet the radio started playing "Back in Black" and blasted all cohesive thoughts from his mind.

Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back!
Yes, I'm let loose from the noose,
That's kept me hangin' about!
I keep a-lookin' at the sky 'cause it's gettin' me high,
Forget the hearse 'cause I'll never die!

Snape’s mind raced as the boat vibrated from the loud music. Black may think he’s hard to get, but I’ll kill him faster than a stampede of raging hippogriffs could run him over! The haughty fool! He’ll regret all those years he and his pathetic friends dared to mess with me.

'Cause I'm back! Yes, I'm back!
Well, I'm back! Yes, I'm back!
Well, I'm ba-a-a-ack!
Well, I'm back in black!
Yes, I'm back in black!

Snape inwardly groaned as the song seemed to drag on forever. Instead of this trip helping him to forget his run-in with Sirius, it permanently inscribed the horrible memory in his mind. Black…it’s that foolish boy Potter’s fault-he’s just as annoying and arrogant as his father. Potter…Black…Potter…BLACK!

If Bill then hadn’t changed the rock music that reminded Snape so much of Sirius, Snape knew his mind would have exploded. An exotic Egyptian song danced around them instead. Snape leaned back a bit to relax his tense muscles as the palm trees swayed to the hypnotizing rhythm of the music. A cool breeze helped lower his temperature and played through Bill’s long fiery hair as they glided over the waters. Maybe I can survive through this trip after all, so long as I don’t have to listen to Potter’s life story or any bloody songs again.

Dumbledore was sitting in a comfortable plush chair thinking intently, wearing purple socks to match his robes, when two birds zoomed in together. His blue eyes twinkled behind his half-moon spectacles as he read the two letters.

“Well, Severus, its good news that you enjoyed your holiday-even if the first day wasn’t so pleasant,” said Dumbledore. Then he looked over at the colorful bird that waited to send a letter to Sirius. “Yet somehow, I don’t think a trip to a tropical island would have been such a great idea,” he said, chuckling to himself.